The Myth of Self-Made: Redefining Success Through Connection and Care
“We need a vision of community that is relevant and future-facing. A vision that brings us closer to one another, allows us to be vulnerable and imperfect, to grieve and stumble, to be held accountable and loved deeply. We need models of success and leadership that fundamentally value love, care, and generosity of resources and spirit.*
*To be clear, I’m not talking about building deep connection with people whose moral compass is broken or who don’t respect your basic humanity."
-Mia Birdsong
“While we humans observe and count separate selves, and pay a great deal of attention to the differences that seem to divide us, in fact we survive only as we learn how to participate in a web of relationships.” -Margaret J. Wheatley
A hallmark of success in our culture is self-sufficiency, independence, and isolation.
We idolize those who claim to be "self-made" and celebrate individuals who supposedly rise to the top without needing support.
This obsession with individualism may seem empowering, but what is the true cost of glorifying this narrative? How does this mindset affect our emotional health, our relationships, and our communities? If we continue to promote a version of success rooted in isolation, what do we sacrifice in terms of our collective well-being and future?
At the heart of this issue is a set of values shaped by capitalist, white supremacist, heteropatriarchal systems. These systems tell us that it’s better not to rely on others and that needing people or being needed by others is a weakness. We are conditioned to believe that if we seek support, love, care, intimacy, or connection, we are burdens. If we focus on nurturing relationships or worry about the well-being of the people around us, we’re made to feel as though we’re prioritizing the wrong things. This mindset keeps us disconnected from one another. From ourselves. And from a more pleasurable existence.
In my own experience, when I began the journey of making my organization, Loving Black Single Mothers, a reality, I didn’t do it alone. I couldn’t do it alone. I didn’t want to do it alone. A big reason for our success in such a short time is that I never fooled myself into thinking I could create something sustainable, something that challenges outdated ideologies, by myself. From the beginning, I called in people to support me and the vision I was holding. But I want to be clear: my ability to ask for support is something I’ve intentionally worked on over the years. It’s like a muscle, and I’m still strengthening it…learning how to ask for help and being open to receiving it.
The radical truth is this: not only is it okay to need people, it’s necessary. Our humanity is built on connection, love, and interdependence. It’s okay if your drive—your "hustle"—is about building meaningful relationships instead of accumulating wealth or status. The truth is that no life is truly "self-made." Every one of us is shaped by others, supported by systems, and connected in ways we often fail to see. The myth of self-sufficiency is perpetuated by capitalism, which values productivity over connection, and by patriarchal structures that equate strength with independence. These systems thrive by convincing us that individual success is the ultimate goal while ignoring the relationships and networks of support that sustain us.
Imagine what our communities would look like if we prioritized care and connection over competition and independence. What if we measured success not only by individual achievements, but by the strength of our relationships and the collective well-being of our communities? What if we celebrated those who fostered compassion, mutual support, and love as much as we celebrate financial success?
Thinking about my own journey, I realize that the moments when I allowed myself to lean on others and they showed up were when I felt most alive and connected. I invite you to redefine success in your own life/work. Maybe it can be about fostering deep connections, practicing reciprocity, and embracing interdependence. Maybe.
Some questions to help you reflect on these words:
How have I personally defined success up until now? Have I valued self-sufficiency and independence over connection and support?
What societal narratives about success have I internalized? How have these influenced my goals and behavior?
How can I begin to view interdependence as a strength, rather than a weakness?
How can I contribute to a culture where success is measured by the well-being of communities rather than by individual accomplishments only?
